PCCB I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT

[TheShader]

I logged in tonight to shitpost after several months of stressful job interviewing, including watching a job opportunity slip away on national television in real time in late June. What I logged into was the announcement of a great community member...no longer being with us. The news hasn't just broken my heart but made me sit with my own relation to D1P. I occasionally come on here to shitpost and fuck with people. To the point in which I'm more disconnected with people I care about than I was during the IGN days. Only one D1Pshit, who won't be named but is free to speak up if they want to, even remotely knows what's going on in my life. And I don't want several people here to only find out about what's been going on because something happened to me. 

 

For the love of Christ/Odin/Zeus/@Commissar SFLUFAN I was almost gunned down in cold blood in the street last year. I don't want to think about if people who have truly meant the world to me didn't know about me. Especially after so many of you put up with my shit over the years. I've been on IGN since before I was 13 and allowed on the board. I was around circa 2010 when we abandoned ship to BadCartridge. I was a part of drama...I no doubt caused drama...and still somehow people put up with me. 

 

All that to say... on a completely serious and non-shitposting note...for once in my BBS life with no teen angst or fucking with people...but with a dash of melodrama because I had a couple to drink before logging in... I'm trans. Been trans all my life, started to accept I was trans circa 2016, been living my life full time as a woman since 2022.

 

And I don't want people I care about to not know any of that because something happened to me. I don't want that to not be open knowledge because I'm remembered for dick jokes and and being a forever 13 year old. Especially when so many people here mean the world to me.

 

@Derek @Pretzel@projectmayhem @Siebzehn @Nokra @Ominous @run32.dll @Jtwo@TheLeon @Best @ApatheticSarcasm @Fizzzzle @DutchOven

 

P.S.

 

If I didn't tag you, there are several I couldn't quite recall your username well enough to tag because it's late, I'm emotional (Can I blame the estrogen by now?), and I've had a couple to drink. So please don't take it personally. I have horny thoughts for you all.

 

P.P.S

 

I have no intention of changing my username or avatar. Shadow is forever a top tier character and @Derek will always be the GOAT of nicknames. Gracing me with the nickname of Shader over my love of Shadow.

 

If you're still reading then you're gay now. You're welcome. Except for Wade. Our time in DC is now officially a date and you're straight for it.

[TheShader]

Gonna go drink and cry, see ya'll in the morning if anyone sees and/or responds to this

 

[Derek]

Nothing but love for you, Shader! I don't remember giving the nickname (not surprising because my memory is sketchy these days). I thought it was @Pretzel , but either way, you'll always be Shader to me. ❤️ 

[Commissar SFLUFAN]

Please hang around, man!

[TheShader]

I have woken up with the consequences of my drunken actions, mostly being a slight hangover, but secondly remembering I made this thread . 

43 minutes ago, Derek said:

Nothing but love for you, Shader! I don't remember giving the nickname (not surprising because my memory is sketchy these days). I thought it was @Pretzel , but either way, you'll always be Shader to me. ❤️ 

I remember you being the first one to call me Shader, but between my own aging memory and you two being married at the loins I'm willing to split the difference and give you both credit . And Shader must live on! I don't think I've told this story but I had Shader as part of my old personal email which caused a colleague to think it was my last name. Whenever he wrote up documents with my name he put Shader as my surname. Cracked me up every time and I never corrected him. 

 

45 minutes ago, Commissar SFLUFAN said:

Please hang around, man!

I plan to, I miss ya'll too much if I don't. I may be spotty the next couple months just because I'm still stressed with the job hunt. I've just had a round of bad luck this campaign season and job hunting in general stresses me out more than literally anything else out there. If my bad luck continues I'll have to figure out some other way to fill my coffers by end of December.

 

Love you all . I'm gonna try and sleep off this slowly oncoming hangover which, honestly, is probably going to turn into doom scrolling the Chinese spy app and refreshing this thread now that I'm fully awake .

[Best]

Thank you very much for sharing. With the recent tragedy on here I understand why you felt to post. I have nothing but love for you and be proud of yourself.

 

I wish you all the luck finding a job. Please visit whenever possible. 

[TheShader]

Now that it's the next day I guess I should make a slightly more sober post on the topic . 

 

I don't know if it's appropriate to say I know my whole life but what I did know as a kid was that I'd rather have been born a girl and 'girl stuff' always just came more naturally to me. I remember around puberty when the differences between the boys and girls started magically sprouting and so it was the topic of discussion that I confidentally stated that if everyone got to choose their gender before being born that there'd be nothing but girls in the world. When I got labeled weird for that I thought it was everyone else who was in denial. 

 

Around 2016 I started to learn the power of hormones and hormone replacement therapy. From there I started hanging out in online trans spaces. I didn't yet consider myself trans but I still had a lot of personal baggage to work through. Largely in regards to how home life as a child both metaphorically and literally 'beat the trans out of me' as the consequences for admitting I wanted to be a girl at home was much worse than just being labeled 'weird'. 

 

I've also largely identified as a girl/woman online since the 90s. I told people I was a girl in AOL chat rooms, I told people I was a girl in MMOS such as both FFXI and FFXIV, and the internet has been a safe space for being me for a long time. Why I was like 'yeah, I'm a guy' on the IGN boards is beyond me. It was actually one of the few spaces I did so. I think I just got so close to everyone I didn't want to feel like I was lying since most irl people would shame me for 'lying' when they found out how I presented myself online. 

 

I started therapy in earnest circa 2018. On my intake form, for the first official time, I put my gender as something NOT male (non binary, to be specific) and wrote in that I had gender issues I wanted to work through. Which was hard as hell, I often avoided discussion of it early on whenever my therapist would try and pull the session to talk about my gender. 

 

I then made the mistake of dating someone transphobic and right around the time it was probably time to break up I got locked in with them during a obscure and not well known global pandemic. Which I won't give them much oxygen in my story as they don't deserve the attentionso all I'll say is that delayed my transition for a few years until I got away from them and started hormones . 

 

Which has been fun, it's literally llke going through puberty a whole second time. Awkward mood swings, angst , and all. Albeit a bit more manageable being a (relatively) mature adult dealing with puberty issues. Plus, I have been rewarded with things like soft skin and boobs (cute ones, too, but ya gotta take me on a date first if ya wanna see em ) 

 

It's been an amazing journey. One I wouldn't change for the world. For the first time in my life I feel a sense of ownership over my own body. I also just feel like myself now that I'm not trying to constantly find a male personality that will get people to like me and instead just allowing myself to be the girly feminine person I've always been deep down. 

 

@Commissar SFLUFAN Will be happy to know, after telling me several times 'I'm getting cold just looking at you', that I no longer dress in short sleeves and shorts when it's below 30 outside . With my new hormonal composition I've gone from that person who never dresses appropriately to the weather to the person that's freezing if it drops 3 degrees and can't decide if I'm hot or cold.

 

I've also changed all my gamer tags. So if you see Party Arty or CptArty on your friends list and you haven't been able to figure out who it is... Now you know . If you figured out who it is but wasn't sure why I changed my gamer tag... Well... Also now you know . 

 

If you've managed to read through all that then good on you! I'm on mobile and I'm exhausted just having to constantly scroll up for emojis. But that's my biography in a 5 minute nutshell 💜. Thanks for always being here. Not just with this but everything. Be it here, Bad Cartridge, IGN, TF2 matches. It's been quite a journey I've been on with many of ya'll 💜. 

[Ominous]

@TheShaderThe world would be a better place if everyone had your courage and awareness of ones self.  Glad you are able to open up about more about your true self and this place, and us, to be a safe place to do that. 

[CastlevaniaNut18]

I never knew you well enough, so I always just assumed you were one of the guys from the weird PCCB group. It was lovely reading your story and I'm glad you're on an authentic path to self-actualization and happiness. Life is short(as we've been painfully reminded of the last few days) and we shouldn't go through life unhappy and not being our true selves. I've also been on my own path this year, regarding my sexuality. While it has put some stress on my marriage, I'm glad I did it and we're getting back to a good place with each other.

[TheLeon]

Thank you for sharing @TheShader. A lot of that is, uh, extremely relatable to me. Until you get to the part about taking control of your life and making a courageous choice. 

[TheShader]

18 minutes ago, Ominous said:

@TheShaderThe world would be a better place if everyone had your courage and awareness of ones self.  Glad you are able to open up about more about your true self and this place, and us, to be a safe place to do that. 

Thanks it means the world to me and I always appreciate you . I gotta add you on my new Instagram, I miss seeing your little progeny on my feed now that I've mostly abandoned my old socials. 

 

10 minutes ago, CastlevaniaNut18 said:

I never knew you well enough, so I always just assumed you were one of the guys from the weird PCCB group. It was lovely reading your story and I'm glad you're on an authentic path to self-actualization and happiness. Life is short(as we've been painfully reminded of the last few days) and we shouldn't go through life unhappy and not being our true selves. I've also been on my own path this year, regarding my sexuality. While it has put some stress on my marriage, I'm glad I did it and we're getting back to a good place with each other.

Hey, you're not wrong about the PCCB thing . The gang has always been like a quirky little family. Even if we've all matured over the years (and I don't say that lightly, if you think we're all weird now remember we used to be MUCH worse ). I often try and channel my inner 16 year old when I'm here but I promise I have more depth than that irl! I hope you the best in your journey, it's not always an easy one. Especially when you have to account for other people's thoughts and feelings about who you are. It can feel like telling someone halfway through eating a hamburger that it's actually an Impossible Burger. You'll get everything from excitement to anger over it being different from their expectation. I wish everyone could be excited but some people just need time (or a kick to the curb, but it sounds like that's not the case with hubby ). My DMs are always open if you need a listening ear that has an idea of what you're going through, as much as another human can understand what another is going through, at least. 

 

13 minutes ago, TheLeon said:

Thank you for sharing @TheShader. A lot of that is, uh, extremely relatable to me. Until you get to the part about taking control of your life and making a courageous choice. 

Same to you, DMs are always open ! I won't lie and say it's been an easy road but I'll forever be glad I took it. Bumps, scrapes, scars and all. 

[Siebzehn]

On 8/28/2024 at 3:03 AM, TheShader said:

Only one D1Pshit, who won't be named but is free to speak up if they want to, even remotely knows what's going on in my life. 

 

You don't have to hide our friendship

 

So proud of you for making this post, coming out is always scary. I'm so glad i randomly posted on the PCCB all of those years ago and you, and the rest of the PCCB, have been in my life. From shit talking as teens to today y'all have made my life better even if I'm not always around 

[legend]

I appreciate you trusting us enough to be who you are around us. You will find no rejections here!

[TheShader]

2 minutes ago, Siebzehn said:

 

You don't have to hide our friendship

But then our love affair won't be a secret hidden lesbian love affair ! 

 

3 minutes ago, Siebzehn said:

proud of you for making this post, coming out is always scary. I'm so glad i randomly posted on the PCCB all of those years ago and you, and the rest of the PCCB, have been in my life. From shit talking as teens to today y'all have made my life better even if I'm not always around 

I wouldn't have any other group of weirdos by my side all my life . It's been a great ride and I definitely wouldn't be who I am without having ya'll there in our little community. 

[Siebzehn]

Oh yeah also since I guess this is the PCCB trans thread in case anyone wasn't aware I am trans too  I've mentioned it in the boards when I've been asked about it but the PCCB definitely deserves to know.

 

Shader and I went on separate journeys, neither of us even knew the other was dealing with this internally until after we had both made the plunge. Always knew we were connected and now I know why 💜 

 

Now the next PCCB person can come out as trans 

 

[Siebzehn]

Just now, TheShader said:

But then our love affair won't be a secret hidden lesbian love affair ! 

[TheShader]

2 minutes ago, Siebzehn said:

 

💜Now the next PCCB person can come out as trans 

 

One of us! One of us! Spiro Spiro one of us! 

[Siebzehn]

7 minutes ago, TheShader said:

One of us! One of us! Spiro Spiro one of us! 

 

Looks like we have our next egg here 

 

On 8/28/2024 at 5:49 PM, TheLeon said:

Thank you for sharing @TheShader. A lot of that is, uh, extremely relatable to me. Until you get to the part about taking control of your life and making a courageous choice. 

 

[TheShader]

13 minutes ago, Siebzehn said:

 

Looks like we have our next egg here 

 

 

We must be gentle with the egg, incubation takes time 

[Spawn_of_Apathy]

On 8/28/2024 at 8:17 AM, Commissar SFLUFAN said:

Please hang around, woman!

fixed.  
some people. 
 

 

[TheShader]

1 minute ago, Spawn_of_Apathy said:

fixed.  
some people. 
 

 

[Commissar SFLUFAN]

@ me

[TheShader]

9 minutes ago, Commissar SFLUFAN said:

@ me

If it makes you feel any better, you're not the first to absentmindedly add 'man', 'bro', or 'my guy' at the end of a sentence after coming out to them . It's understandable after knowing me for such a long time and I know you didn't mean it in an intentionally malicious way .

[CastlevaniaNut18]

I still say ‘man’ and ‘dude’ to people regardless of gender.  

[TheLeon]

1 hour ago, Siebzehn said:

 

Looks like we have our next egg here 

I dunno. Seems like a hassle. 

[TheShader]

15 minutes ago, CastlevaniaNut18 said:

I still say ‘man’ and ‘dude’ to people regardless of gender.  

Personally, I try and tell people I don't care if they're saying it to me cause they say it to everyone. It feels 1,000x worse and singled out when they only say to me 'Thanks, dude...uhh...I mean...girl...dudette...uhh...'

It feels like when someone walks up to a group of guys and says 'Ok, let's huddle together and start this meeting, guys! I mean...Guys...and Susan...got Susan over there!'

 

9 minutes ago, TheLeon said:

I dunno. Seems like a hassle. 

Hear me out, a hassle that comes with boobs. (But, also, know there's no pressure but Siebz and I are here if ya need a chat )

[CastlevaniaNut18]

9 minutes ago, TheShader said:

Personally, I try and tell people I don't care if they're saying it to me cause they say it to everyone. It feels 1,000x worse and singled out when they only say to me 'Thanks, dude...uhh...I mean...girl...dudette...uhh...'

It feels like when someone walks up to a group of guys and says 'Ok, let's huddle together and start this meeting, guys! I mean...Guys...and Susan...got Susan over there!'

 

Hear me out, a hassle that comes with boobs. (But, also, know there's no pressure but Siebz and I are here if ya need a chat )

Yeah, I also use “guys” in a collective sense. 
 

But I guess it never was a big deal to be because I’ve never been a girly girl obsessed with being all feminine. Like, I’m definitely cis-gender, I love my boobs(they’re really a great feature on me), but I’ve also been  tomboy my entire life and don’t see that changing. It’s kinda crazy how many people I’ve worked with have just assumed I was a lesbian when they first met me only to be surprised when they found out I have a husband. 
 

 

Sorry; that was just me rambling  

[TheShader]

1 minute ago, CastlevaniaNut18 said:

Yeah, I also use “guys” in a collective sense. 
 

But I guess it never was a big deal to be because I’ve never been a girly girl obsessed with being all feminine. Like, I’m definitely cis-gender, I love my boobs(they’re really a feature on me), but I’ve also been  tomboy my entire life and don’t see that changing. It’s kinda crazy how many people I’ve worked with have just assumed I was a lesbian when they first met me only to be surprised when they found out I have a husband. 
 

 

Sorry; that was just me rambling  

Ramble away, this is a gay thread! And I feel that, people constantly thought I was a gay man all my life and were constantly surprised when I'd have a girlfriend. Several people would go on to be convinced that I must be bi. Joke was on everyone, though, because it turns out I AM gay, just not in the way everyone assumed . I'm very much a tomboy in many ways myself. Which isn't surprising, I was raised by a tomboy growing up and I share a lot of her personality. She's also the one that insisted I play video games at a young age and is the reason I can't remember a time I DIDN'T play video games.

[Spawn_of_Apathy]

I’ve become fairly sensitive in noticing these things over the past years trying to monitor myself for those in my life and at work so people feel comfortable and accepted at work. But if it is any consolation I knew @Commissar SFLUFAN didn’t mean anything by it. I just thought it was a fun way to give him shit. 

[TheShader]

2 minutes ago, Spawn_of_Apathy said:

I’ve become fairly sensitive in noticing these things over the past years trying to monitor myself for those in my life and at work so people feel comfortable and accepted at work. But if it is any consolation I knew @Commissar SFLUFAN didn’t mean anything by it. I just thought it was a fun way to give him shit. 

And let ME be clear. I will never stand in the way of anyone that wants to give @Commissar SFLUFAN shit 

[Siebzehn]

44 minutes ago, TheLeon said:

I dunno. Seems like a hassle. 

The most gratifying hassle there ever was

[CastlevaniaNut18]

29 minutes ago, TheShader said:

Ramble away, this is a gay thread! And I feel that, people constantly thought I was a gay man all my life and were constantly surprised when I'd have a girlfriend. Several people would go on to be convinced that I must be bi. Joke was on everyone, though, because it turns out I AM gay, just not in the way everyone assumed . I'm very much a tomboy in many ways myself. Which isn't surprising, I was raised by a tomboy growing up and I share a lot of her personality. She's also the one that insisted I play video games at a young age and is the reason I can't remember a time I DIDN'T play video games.

Yeah, it makes me wonder how different my life would be if I hadn’t been raised by a bunch of conservative, religious, bigots. I would have embraced my identity much sooner.

 

I don’t regret my marriage, I love my husband deeply and we’re very compatible and have a great life together. But I confess if my marriage didn’t work out, I think I would prefer women. Still bi, but leaning toward women. But I did fall in love with him and my marriage is the most important thing and I want to preserve that. It’s been tough on him, but I’m glad I was able to finally experience what I had been missing for so long. 

[TheShader]

2 minutes ago, CastlevaniaNut18 said:

Yeah, it makes me wonder how different my life would be if I hadn’t been raised by a bunch of conservative, religious, bigots. I would have embraced my identity much sooner.

I feel this. I had to dig through a LOT of shit in therapy to get to accepting myself because of being raised around the same types. Even when I was fairly confident I was trans I had to dig through the fear of how other people would see or treat me if I transitioned because I had seen how family had treated me first hand. Still so glad I was able to come out the other side. But the 'What if I had a different family' thought is real. Especially so because if I had gotten to be on hormone blockers and HRT much younger than I could have saved myself a traumatizing puberty. Especially as someone who was adopted, I literally could have grown up in a completely different household had my mom made the decision to adopt me to a different family. But I try and not think on it too much because this is the life I've been given and I just have to make the best of it.

 

7 minutes ago, CastlevaniaNut18 said:

I don’t regret my marriage, I love my husband deeply and we’re very compatible and have a great life together. But I confess if my marriage didn’t work out, I think I would prefer women. Still bi, but leaning toward women. But I did fall in love with him and my marriage is the most important thing and I want to preserve that. It’s been tough on him, but I’m glad I was able to finally experience what I had been missing for so long. 

I can understand. I've never gotten married but I know people close to me have gone through their own emotional ringer with me at times and having to adjust. Some of them are more long term SO to me than some of my actual long term SOs and there's an implied '✨roommates✨' vibe between my besties and me . There's an adjustment to go through. If he (or you!) need any in-person support then may I suggest seeing if there are any PFLAG chapters near you. They're a non-profit organization that acts as a support group for both LGBTQ as well as friends and family who need support. I'm a board member of the local chapter here and have seen it be a great resource for a LOT of people and help out a lot of moms/dads/husbands/wives find support when someone close to them is coming out as LGBTQ.

[Kal-El814]

Congrats on your egg cracking and bring brave enough to come out here  

[TheShader]

1 hour ago, Kal-El814 said:

Congrats on your egg cracking and bring brave enough to come out here  

Honestly, being envious of trans women because I 'wasn't one' should have been a clue WAY earlier on than it was . Still, better late than never! 

 

Also, thanks